Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
