i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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