What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Send help, water and tortillas.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
