You don't have asthma, your pregnant
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
FUCK WHALES
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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