I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
