she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
