If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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