I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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