he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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