I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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