for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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