I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
