U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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