My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
