12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
