we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
