Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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