my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
