im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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