Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
