John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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