I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
