Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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