Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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