Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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