I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
