suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
