when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
