he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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