ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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