you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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