Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
