My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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