yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
