Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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