And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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