were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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