i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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