Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize