Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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