These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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