Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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