he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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