I checked into jail on foursquare
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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