two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
