There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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