I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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