i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
