she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize