What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
