Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
