Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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