Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
