conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
