Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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