she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
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