Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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