u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
