the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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