I think im going to throw up on grandma
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
