i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
