What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
