i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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