i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
So vagazzling was a success
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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