I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize