he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
