I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
