Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
