rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
