I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Randomize
