I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My bed smells like the plague
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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