I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize