Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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