ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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