It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
